Fic Post: Fragmentary, SGA

[stillane]

I’m starting to do that twitchy thing you do when you haven’t actively finished anything in a while. This is barely long enough to be a ficlet, but finished it is.

Fandom: SGA
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Not a one.
Feedback: Will be hugged like a puppy. Even if it bites.
Summary: Timing is everything.


Author’s Notes: Forgive me, Fandom, for I have committed the Sin of the Second Person. It felt weird in third. Also, the format is… unusual. Given the show in question, Hail Marys seem oddly appropriate. My apologies if this isn’t your cup of tea.

Also, since it was requested: By my count, there are three ways you can read this fic. Two of them do not end well. Still interested?



Fragmentary


(5)

It’s just gone mourning, and the light’s too low to see it all, but that’s okay. You don’t need to. It’s burned into your mind and your eyes and your voice. It’s not going anywhere. Neither are you.

No. You’ll just lay right down here and stay right down here and in a little while it’ll be okay. You wait for it.

It’ll be okay.

(and)

It’s gone morning, and the light’s not quite enough to show anything, but that’s alright. You’ve got warm skin against your palms and hot breath under your chin to tell you where you need to be.

You can’t stay. The day is calling, and there’ll be eyes soon. Too many, and not enough time. You always want more.

It’s okay, though. You’ll bide until sundown.



(4)

You move and weave like you know how. Teyla has the gate open. There’s blood, but it’s only yours. Until it isn’t.

It aches, or it will. Just an empty space and a body now, but later… No, not later. There won’t be one.

And then it’s two by two, and his eyes are on your level, and you’re the one who’ll blink first and last. Ronon is furious and far away, and then that snapping sound comes as space and time close on each other. He and Teyla might have gotten through.

Christ. Five minutes.

(and)

His arm brushes your side when he reaches past, and you choke on toothpaste and a laugh. His mouth twitches in the mirror, and it wasn’t an accident.

You spit and rinse and kiss the bridge of his shoulder, pull away and pull on clothes. You call out the time, and he makes a bad pun about relativity. You’re out the door before he turns around.

Ronon’s outside waiting. The first time it stopped you cold, until he smirked. Neither of you has ever said more. It’s perfect that way.

Only a quick jog this time. It’ll be a long day.




(3)

They were leaving. They were fucking leaving, and you wouldn’t ever have known they’d been there if…

If.

No if, though, just incoming and shards. You try ‘peaceful explorers’ and they aren’t interested, so now it’s not peaceful and the only exploring you’re looking to do is how fast a wormhole can engage.

Everything is between. Them between the MALP and your coming, you between them and leaving, and now them between you and home. So you shift the field, put them between you and Ronon and close the gaps.

There’s that sound of space flowing inside out, and just maybe this works. Maybe you make it.


(and)

You’ve had time to shower before the briefing, and he’s leaning a little your way now and then to catch your scent. You don’t ever tell him that you sit closer so that he can.

You watch the video one more time, and hear about air and soil and energy signatures. It’s nothing new, and you’ve already checked the layout and planned the tactics. No life-signs, not that it matters.

His calf is against yours, out of sight, as Elizabeth gives the final go ahead. When he stands, his fingers brush your elbow. It’s part dirty trick and part reassurance, and all of why he matters.

You watch him leave from the corner of your eye.




(2)

You line up in the gateroom, formation all your own but firing lines clear. Ronon and Teyla are loose and ready. Two years into the game and Rodney is, too. He’s got his sidearm holstered and the life-signs detector in hand, and that kind of trust still makes your breath come strange.

The gate becomes that vertical drowning surface that never gets old, and you walk through. It powers down, but you’re busy eyeing the guys eyeing you. No one moves.

They look from you to the gate to you, and you already know this is bad before the shouting starts. The little chips that fly up around you from their weapons are just punctuation.

It’s not until you’re crouched in the tree line that you see the ship. Can’t hold a candle to a jumper, but it’s hovering well enough. Idling.

As usual, your timing needs work.

(and)

Teyla’s leaving the armory as you’re going in, and that innocent look doesn’t fool you anymore. It might have, once, but not since she started arranging sparring times that match Rodney’s lab schedule. It means you waste less of your free time apart. There’s a reason this woman leads her people.

Now, she stresses ten minutes when she reminds you of the timeline. It’s supposed to be five, and you love your team.

Rodney’s at the back, already primed and armed. You’re careful to get your extra rounds loaded, your vest ready. You lay your weapons down and press him into a wall for five minutes. It’s not enough, but that warning bell at the back of your head is telling you it will have to be.

Like always, he holds the vest while you slip it on, hands you your sidearm. There’s ritual to it. Neither of you are superstitious, but you don’t need to be. It’s all real, whatever you believe. The vampires don’t fade with the light here, and the monsters sometimes look like you.



(1)

(or)
You’re looking at the door, counting down, and like always you start to leave. This time, though, he doesn’t let go. He calls you back, pulls you in, and his lips aren’t fast and done. They’re slow and right, and you lean in when you shouldn’t.

The vests cinch down tight, and there’s not much room between that lower edge and your skin. Just enough to get fingertips under, and he does. Your palms are on his head, smallest fingers on his neck and thumbs stroking his jaw.

You pull back, trade warm breath for a moment, and trace his lip with your tongue, lightly. He makes that low sound from the base of his throat, too soft for anyone but you to hear. The one that never fails to make you want too much.

Maybe just five more minutes. Maybe.

Comments

[airinshaw.livejournal.com]

That was really beautiful. The second person worked amazingly - even more of a feat because it's hard to write in and make sound good. It matched the tone perfectly - great thanks.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so happy to hear it didn't throw you off. I actually tried it in a variety of views, but none of them worked for the structure and immediacy I wanted. Thanks for braving my experimentation :>

[eternalenigma.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. I love this piece a lot.

The vampires don’t fade with the light here, and the monsters sometimes look like you.

I love that line.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm kind of fond of that line, too. Another one of those that meant a handful of different things inside my head. I like the ones that sneak up and surprise me.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Ow. But good ow. Beautiful, earned ow. The 2nd person can be wonderful when it's done right, and you do it so, so right. Way to bend the English language to your will. ;-)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Priest icon. Yeah... Okay, yanking my brain away from the joy of that...

I have a training program going with the language. Mostly biscuits, but the odd thumping is involved. Occasionally, it gets unruly and bites, and then all hell breaks loose. It's a relief to hear that this was one of it's well-behaved moments :>

[bluebrocade.livejournal.com]

Fascinating. Lovely.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

Oh lovely. I adore second person when it works, and this absolutely, definitely works. Amazing.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's my first time playing in this POV's sandbox. It's good to hear I'm not annoying the other kids too badly :>

[enname.livejournal.com]

Second person done well is bearable. The problems arise only when second person is used because the author knows no better. Luckily you can do it well and with pretty characterisation.

Er, as I am mending my lack-of-commenting behaviour, I hereby take the moment to say that you other stories are also very beautiful.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Second person seems to be the boogieman of the fic world, whispered about in tones of vague horror. I spent far too much time trying to talk this one into being anything else, but it was stubborn. It's nice to know people aren't fleeing in terror :>

As to the older fics: also, thank you! Glad you've enjoyed them.

[enname.livejournal.com]

Yes I had noticed that second person is the horror under the bed. I have been known to run screaming from it, but the reasons I do tend to be more about the fact that it is used inappropriately and badly. Possibly bad spelling also helps the screaming factor. I've also run from first person as well because of incredibly bad characterisation.

:P

[20thcenturyvole.livejournal.com]

AAUGH! It took me a little while to work out the structure, and when I did - ack. Jesus.

Second-person voice can be amazing when handled well, and you weild it like a pro. Damn, that stings.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Sorry. *hands over Neosporin and bandaids*

I spent yesterday reading that fic that's been making the whole world flail, and I think it broke my brain. Really, it's the only explanation I've got for this one. I honestly sat down to write something happy and fluffy... and when has that ever happened? Seriously, the next one is going to be ten pages of them camped out in bed doing crosswords. :>

Thanks for venturing into the dangerzone.

[(Anonymous)]

I joion with everyone else in saying this is beautiful, but, did Rodney die? I'd really appreciate some sort of warning, if you could? Thanks.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Well, you see, that's sort of the tricky thing. I'm going to be irritating and enigmatic and say that he might. Or not. It all depends on which parts of the story fit where. In any case, a warning of sorts has been added, as per your request.

Thank you for braving it, even unwarned :>

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for adding the note, at least three interpretations, you say? I'll be rereading to see if I can figure out the other possible outcomes!

I don't mind braving the occasional "puzzle" story, especially ones written this well, but do like to have a warning about any possible bad endings before I start. So thanks.

[kalikahuntress.livejournal.com]

Very beautiful fic and the second person works very well here:)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, this is beautiful. You create such a sense of stolen moments - it's intimate and so, so right.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The brushing of the teeth was actually the bit that wouldn't leave me alone. Something about it was... insistent. I love them best of all when they're quiet. I'm so glad it worked for you.

[aurora]

Oh.

The structure works really great, and yes, the second person is tricky, but I love it when it's done right. And you certainly did that.

Thanks for writing.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading, and wading through the structural oddities :>

[geeky-ginger.livejournal.com]

I really did like this fic...and since I read it in a sleep haze, I'm going to have re-read it to figure out EXACTLY what happened. But Bravo nonetheless.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It actually might enhance the atmosphere to read it while sleep-fogged :>

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. I am not a fan of second person mostly because it's so difficult for most writers to handle. You don't fall into that catagory. That was breathtaking and painful and beautiful.

The gate becomes that vertical drowning surface that never gets old -- is probably my favorite line, but it's hard to pick :)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

It's my first attempt at the second, and the prospect worried me a bit. I tried desperately to coax it into being in some other person, but it was having none of it. For one thing, the distance of third felt all kinds of wrong. I'm so glad to hear it didn't go thud. :>

Thanks so much for braving it!

[cetpar.livejournal.com]

I liked the 2nd person. When it's done well it is very effective. And with the way you structured the story, in that it takes awhile to figure out what is going on, the 2nd person voice really does seem to work.

The first time I read this, I was confused. The second time I read it, I had figured out the story structure and read it chronologically. Ow. Very sad. The third time I re-read it as written. Interesting. I've not seen it done this way before. And the fragmentary nature reminds me of the whole 'life flashing before my eyes before death' thing.

I like the way the parts parallel one another. And I can't decide if the spelling in: It’s just gone mourning, and the light’s too low to see it all, but that’s okay.. is a typo or not. On the surface it seems to be, but it oddly and sadly works as an intentional spelling here too.

[cetpar.livejournal.com]

And sorry for the double post. I deleted the first one. I meant to preview it. ::shrugs::

[cetpar.livejournal.com]

Sorry for spamming your LJ. But I'm very intrigued by the first line of the story, and your intent here. Is the spelling mourning a typo? Or was it intentional and it actually isn't morning, it's dusk. Re-reading the story again, with the parallel to it's paired scene in part 1 and the overall sequence, now makes me think it was intentional and it is dusk. But I may be over analyzing. I'd love to know what you intended, when you have a chance.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

I don't feel spammed in the least :> To answer your question, 'mourning' is indeed intentional. I'm something of a language addict (this explains my sad love of puns), and I tend to dismantle, rearrange, and warp the usage of words fairly often. Poor, poor little words :>

Sorry for the inherent confusion in the style. The whole story was originally supposed to be far more linear and unambiguous, with a very clearly deliniated ending. It took a left turn somewhere about the first line, though, and simply refused to get back on that other track.

Thank you for not only taking the time to read, but to ask about it.

[cetpar.livejournal.com]

Thanks for letting me know about 'mourning'. And don't apologize for the style. I like it. Yes, it is a bit confusing at first until you figure out what is going on, but I really think it adds to the overall feel of the story when you do realize what is happening.

[sp23.livejournal.com]

I love this, especially with the second reading when the pieces fell into place. Loved the use of mourning/morning to signify the tragedy unfolding in opposition to their happiness at the start of the day. I've decided to take the third option of how this story goes; that the last scenario happened and they lingered just long enough that the others were gone by the time the team passed through the stargate. The deaths of either John or Rodney so not an option in my world. :)

The second person worked very well, and reminded me of some of my favorite film noir movies from the forties.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm really fascinated by the ways each person has seen it so far. I spent an inordinate amount of time playing with the layout, swapping the bits around to make a definitive reading, and this was the only way that it felt 'right'. Definitely a fic with a mind of its own. *headshake*

Thanks again for reading, and coming back for a repeat performance! The film noir comparison makes me grin like an idiot. Good company to be in.

[kellifer-fic.livejournal.com]

Wow... that was lovely.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[emeraldteal.livejournal.com]

Omigosh. The difference 5 minutes makes. You've slain me, truly. *whimper*

The 2nd person works, and the way you broke up the fragments. I read it backwards and forwards and I love it! This is truly different and so, so heartbreakingly lovely.

Now I'll just go curl up somewhere quiet. *sniffle*

And, er, thanks. *g*

[stillane.livejournal.com]

*offers tissues* Sorry to slay. I never mean to do it, really; it just happens.

Thank you for enduring the ouch, and leaving such lovely feedback. I'm so glad you liked it, sniffles aside. *g*

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Gorgeous. You're right, anything other than second person would have been wrong. So sad, if you read it that way.
Love this line: He’s got his sidearm holstered and the life-signs detector in hand, and that kind of trust still makes your breath come strange.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so happy the personage worked out. That line... I love the division of labor on this show, and that it isn't always cut and dried. We know Rodney - and presumably other scientists on off-world teams - can and do defend themselves. To be able to lay that responsability in someone else's hands time and again to use their own specialties... It strikes me as a big thing.

Thank you again for reading!

[ivoryraven22000.livejournal.com]

When I read this at first, I was just thinking, 'Wow, that was beautiful. Too bad it was so confusing.' But then I shrugged, read a few of the comments about it, and figured that since it was so breathtaking in the first place it wouldn't hurt to read it a second time, in a different order. Oh man, I am so glad I did. I've figured out the patterns now, the three different possibilities, and I've got to say that you are a genius. The words and sections come together like puzzle pieces, and when I finally put them together it was like my heart broke apart. I don't know how you managed it, but I'm very glad you did. Bittersweet and beautiful.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you, both for enjoying it on just the merrits of the language and for taking the time to approach it again. I have something of a soft spot for this one, given that it's a little experimental and a lot off the beaten path. I realized that the unorthodoxy of its style would throw some, and worried about that, but this was the only way that it did what I intended it should. Thank you again for following it through, and additionally leaving such kind words.

[the-moonmoth.livejournal.com]

Hrm.... two rereadings and I'm still thinking about it. I think I'm losing my touch! Thing is, it could go several ways for me. Could be, two parallel scenarios, with different endings, which is what I first thought. Like Sliding Doors. Or, what I'm starting to think now, could be two different days, the Before and After. Or several other possibilities that I don't think I can articulate. Hrm, I say.

For the record, I would be very interested to hear about your intentions for this fic :)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Okay, the short story:

I wrote it entending that it should be a before and after that parallel each other, with one central point to link both lines of narrative. Basically, the 'Or' section ought to be the place where you stand to figure out what's going on, with both streams flowing in opposite directions into past and future. Whether or not that future is valid or a might-have-been all depends on the 'Or'.

Along the way, it was pointed out to me that it could also be read as a dying John having flashbacks, ending with the critical moment. While not a direction I had foreseen, I think it works that way, too. I therefore pretend that I meant to do that. *g*

Happy, fuzzy ender that I am, I tend to think that Rodney was persuasive about those five minutes, and they never actually discovered how close they came.

So, there you have it. Me being funky. *g*