Fic Post (yes, again): Certainty, Supernatural

[stillane]

To all those on my flist who haven't yet bowed down to Supernatural: I'm sorry.

To those who have: I'm sorry. I killed the Metallicar. Or, well, I will. It would take longer to explain than it would to read the fic.

I seem to be becoming frighteningly prolific. Apparently, January term will do that to you. It's like solitary confinement, but with better food and entertainment. Huh.

This is really quite short.

Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: None (gen)
Rating: PG, absolutely arbitrarily
Spoilers: References a single line from Scarecrow, but this shouldn't harm you if you haven't seen the ep yet. Come to think of it, if you've missed Bloody Mary and everything that comes after, this might not make a great deal of sense to you. Otherwise, go for it.

Feedback: Is snuggled like a firstborn child. Even if it's ugly.
Summary: Sam is wise.

 

Certainty

 

 

 

Sam knows things.

 

He knows when he’ll die, for one, or at least has an approximation. Has for a good bit now.

 

It took him a while to figure it out. At first, he saw it all upside-down and backwards. He dreams of Dean, sometimes, sees him facing darkness and the night, sees him smiling and acting like an ass. In his dreams, Dean is never much older than he is now. The only wrinkles he wears are the little ones at the edges of his eyes that came on somewhere between Lawrence and Stanford. His hair is sometimes a little longer, sometimes a little shorter, but never gray.

 

Sam hasn’t had the heart to tell Dean he’s seen the Impala in ruins.

 

He was afraid, when he first realized that the pictures in his head never came from more than a few years away, if that. He spent a while being frantic every time Dean got near trouble – which, given that it was Dean, happened with exhausting frequency - until he understood that there were some pictures in his head he hadn’t seen yet in real life.

 

He lives his days now by the memories that haven’t happened yet, ticking them off as they come. Every moment that he recognizes is one less in his collection. It’s hard to know, exactly, but he thinks the last picture is of Dean laughing, the sun making his hair more blonde than it really is, his shirt a well-worn blue that he’ll probably find in some Salvation Army store.

 

Sam’s a little embarrassed, really, that it took him so long to understand. One day, though, he wakes from another scene, and realizes that he never dreams post-Dean. That he really has no idea what he would do without Dean, because he’s never seen it. He doesn’t dream of the aftermath, or of himself alone. The understanding brings acceptance.

 

There are really only two options, then, and neither of them involve him outliving his brother. He’s okay with that.

 

If nothing else, he knows he’ll at least go first. Dean was right about one thing: Sam is a selfish bastard.

 

He knows that one day, the sun will shine and Dean will wear blue and Sam himself will fall down once too many. There’s an odd kind of peace in that, but then, his has always been an odd kind of life.

 

Comments

[tenebrio.livejournal.com]

For something so short, this packs one hell of a punch. Absolutely beautiful imagery and use of language - the rhythm was gorgeous. (And, um, sorry for the late feedback; I was going through my lj-memories and realised I'd never actually said how much I liked this.)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Late feedback? There is no such thing. Only feedback living in a different timezone. Seriously, nice words will be accepted til doomsday, gratefully.

Thanks again!

[joannindiw.livejournal.com]

nergh. (I have depths of incoherene left to drop into, apparently).

punch to the chest.

beautifully painful.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! This one snuck up on me and refused to go away until it was written. Sam is an insistant little bugger. He always gets his way.

[innie_darling]

That is just gorgeous. Sam's puzzled silence seems so him.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The two of them... I love it when they go verbal, but the idea of what they're perpetually not saying fascinates me. The fact that Sam kept his own counsel about the existance of his visions makes me think that his default setting is to run silent. He's so very self-contained, sometimes.

Thank you again for reading, and enjoying.

[emella.livejournal.com]

Oh I want to hate you for killing off Sam but I love this too much. This is so beautiful and awesome and I just love this so much. :) Great job with this. Very very good.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Um, glad I'm hard to hate? *g*

I'm happy to hear that you liked this one so much. Thank you for reading it!

[esorlehcar.livejournal.com]

Very nice... you pack of Sam characterization into a few words. This is lovely and very bittersweet.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm thrilled to hear you liked it.

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

*cries*

I like to keep my comfy illusion that the boys will live forever, thanks!! Now you've gone and reduced me to a blubbering mess.. *sniffsniff*

(Translation: You are AMAZING ♥)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

*hands over tissues* Sorry for making you teary, but thank you for thinking I'm amazing. *g*

(And the boys definitely live forever. Or. Well, no one ever said they had to stay dead. Hee.)

[berne.livejournal.com]

Gah, the last line killed me. All of it did, actually, particularly the eery calm Sam's developed about it all. The image of Dean in blue and the sun shining makes me ache. *bookmarks*

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you, both for liking it so much now and for thinking about coming back to it. It blows my mind in all the best ways to know that a story has been enjoyed enough to be revisited.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think you're entirely right about the bittersweet, too. It wasn't all that painful to write, I think mostly because it was from inside Sam's head, and he's okay with it all. Revisiting, though, stings a bit. Particularly given the fate of the Metallicar. :< Poor Metallicar.

[endora-taylor.livejournal.com]

this is very haunting and very insightful. the image of dean in a blue shirt, laughing in the sun, will stay with me for a while.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Thank you! That image... I just needed Sam's last anything to be gentle, somehow. He deserved as much. I'm so glad it worked for you, and thank you again for reading.

[cocombat.livejournal.com]

This?
So sad. Killed me ded.
(I got better...)

I'm sure you know how beautiful this is, or at least, I hope you know. 'Cause. Yeah.

*sniffs*

[stillane.livejournal.com]

(I got better...)

Ah, the miraculous powers of VirginMaryMiracleDean! Resurrecting fangirls everywhere. *g* Of course, my next thought was, Hmm. I've never been accused of being a witch before. Cool. I definitely way more than the duck, though. *shakes head at sad, sad mis-spent Python youth*

*hands over tissues* Thank you for saying such nice things, and for enduring the Lazarus cycle to read. *g*

[amalthia]

I really liked this story. loved the imagery.

[bluesister.livejournal.com]

Here via hallshellvenus and, oh. This is lovely but, better yet, it has so much wisdom and peace in it. I want to grow up to be this fic.

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

[sniff]

Heartbreaking.

[counteragent.livejournal.com]

Lovely, lovely.

[magnifica7.livejournal.com]

Outstanding!